What my older self has taught me

Middle age is often characterized by the usual tropes of a person deteriorating in body and mind. For men, the visible paunch due to a sedentary lifestyle coupled with beer parties is a sure shot sign of a man in his fifties. Along with the lazy physical lifestyle comes the added realisation of a career that is now in its twilight with the younger competition nipping at the heels.

As a member of this growing cohort, I am often troubled by the realisation that my “prime” days are over and thoughts of retirement, death and loss plague my mind. However, there are some areas in which I do think that I have improved as a person over the years, and all is not so dark and dreary as my mind makes it out to be.

Finding my Ikigai

Although I have now been part of the banking industry for a long time, it is not a part of my Ikigai which is completely different. My passion from the time I can remember (maybe since I was 10 years old) was reading. The world of books and stories spun a magical web around my being and I have since then always been drawn to the allure of a great story pulling me into its reality and me enjoying the vicarious pleasures of its characters, drawn sometimes into another era, lost in the maze of another country and city, delighting and despairing as its protagonists underwent trials and tribulations.

My love for reading also drew me into the next logical step of writing. I started toying with small articles and short stories, and a few sappy love poems ( I think all writers fancy themselves as great poets, and so did I!) which whetted my appetite to put pen to paper. Gradually I progressed to writing short stories and finally took the plunge a few years ago to write a full-length novel about a story close to my heart.

The point I’m trying to make is that often people find their passion at a very tender age and are completely clued as to what they want to do in this lifetime. Unfortunately (or not) I wasn’t one of them. I had to toil in an unrelated field for years before my Ikigai dawned on me, and this realisation happened only once I was past my mid forties.

And now, it is crystal clear to me that my passion, what I love to do, and what the world also values is intertwined with the reading and writing domain. It’s been a long journey to this realisation but now I finally have it.

Don’t Compare, be Content

Earlier, I would compare myself (with more than a touch of envy) to everyone who was above me — either in terms of title, affluence or power. Often, such comparisons left me feeling unworthy and deficient in some way. The world was always showing me that I was not enough — not successful enough, not rich enough and not happy enough.

But my journey through Life has taught me an important lesson — that I am enough and I have enough. I have a wonderful loving family, a well-paid job and all the comforts of an urban lifestyle that I often took for granted for many years.

From being (sometimes) insecure of myself as an individual who didn’t rise to the top of my college or didn’t become the CEO of a company either, I am now content being who I am — an individual with roots that extend towards the Almighty, Family and the wonderfully diverse and exciting world of books and stories.

I have evolved into a person who cherishes a few strong and deep friendships rather than run after a bunch of friends. I am content with what I have now and while the urge remains to do more (by pursuing my writing goals) and become a better version of myself for myself these priorities are now driven internally and not led by the unending pull and push of the external world.

Being content now is more about enjoying the morning calm while reading the papers and drinking a cup of tea, hanging out with a close friend over a beer while listening to Billy Joel or simply looking out the balcony at the green tree which soothes and calms my mind.

The quote below summarises my evolving philosophy:

“We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without”. Immanuel Kant

Comfortably Alone

Due to my current job requirements, I stay away from my family in a small flat. While I definitely miss having my family around me and revelling in their laughter, banter and love, I have also come to accept and even enjoy my solitary existence.

Being alone makes you more aware of yourself as a person.

The thoughts that are jostling in my head for attention make themselves apparent and I often have conversations going on with myself. (Although my daughter would definitely call this out as a sure touch of senility!). When you are by yourself, your thoughts and feelings become more acute and alive. You start noticing your reactions and moods more closely, what the triggers are and how you are responding to these.

Lastly, but most importantly, being alone brings me closer to God or the Universal Spirit, whatever you choose to call Him/ It. Daily prayer and affirmation brings me that much closer to the Omniscient and strengthens my connection with Him and the Universe which is a glorious place to be — a place where each of us however small and insignificant we may be, have our purpose and calling in Life.

To summarise, what I am inside of me is what I shape my world view to be. My thoughts are instrumental in creating the outer world that I inhabit. And this is a discovery that I have made over the years as I have grown.

Do share your comments below and let me know your take on my learnings. Thanks for reading!